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The Afterlife.
A few months ago, a man a few cells down from Samuel unfortunately ended his life. Samuel knew him from his religious studies group; he was a nice guy who struggled silently. I asked Samuel how he felt about it, and he told me it happens more than you think. He wasn’t at liberty to talk more about the situation, but he told me to listen to "The Noose" by A Perfect Circle, as that would be the closest to how he was handling the situation.
It led to a conversation I had never really discussed with Samuel before—a topic that none of us really like to talk about, but is inevitable: death. More importantly, I wanted to discuss what would happen if something were to happen to Samuel while he’s locked up. What does he want me to do for him? What decisions should I make on his behalf?
One thing I’ve quickly learned about Samuel is that he hates inconveniencing people. At first, he said, “Don’t worry about it, just let the prison toss me out.” I’ve known Samuel for close to thirteen years now, and I know that wasn’t an honest answer, so I said. “Ok, just sit with that topic for a minute and we’ll talk about it later.”
Samuel is perfectly healthy and fine, and this topic isn’t implying that this time is anywhere near. It’s simply a conversation that was important and needed to be discussed. We revisited the conversation of death a few more times, but it felt a little more pressing as he is in the middle of transferring prisons. Recently he asked me if I would be his emergency contact, and although I’m three thousand miles away, I said, "Of course I will."
The day before his transfer, he had some ideas about how he’d like his remains to be handled if he were to leave this world while incarcerated. Since becoming more connected with his heritage, we’ve been exploring his Toltec and Indigenous roots, and how they honor life. Samuel concluded that he wants a traditional celebration of life, one that takes place outside in nature, preferably a forest, with live music and dance. He wants to be cremated and then turned into a tree.
He wants his life to be celebrated and honored for his achievements, not his shortcomings. Ultimately, he wants to be forgiven for his past and be at peace in the next life — he wants to be set free.
I’ll leave you with a poem Samuel wrote to his younger self:
A Letter to My Younger Self
by Samuel
I'm sorry I wasn't there,
When you needed me the most.
I hope you understand—
We weren't yet a man,
And none of this was part of the plan.
I know I let you down,
And you faced difficult things alone,
Wandering from cold, broken homes.
Though you took the blame,
It was never your fault.
You made those choices,
And now, we are not the same.
I know we were scared,
But you, you were strong,
Kept your head high
Through the darkest, longest song.
I hope you see,
I've always loved you—
I just didn’t know how to show you.
So today, I want to say:
Thank you, and I love you
For who we are today.
All along, it was you
Who carried me through,
Every step of the way.
I know you're still scared,
That we'll end up alone,
But maybe, if we love others right,
They’ll find us in the afterlife
And invite us home.
Our thoughts are with the families of those who have lost their loved ones to suicide.
Beautiful. The poem touched me and I'm going to print it out and send it to my brother. Thank you for sharing this. I think, as a society, we don't talk about death enough, and in prison, suicides tend to be hush hush and swept under the rug. I'm so glad Sammy has to you lean on.